What You Are Experiencing Belongs Directly & Nature Evolved It for A Reason.
What you are experiencing belongs directly with respect to what your evolutionary-determined sequence of processing demands for it. If it is surfacing to your consciousness, it belongs. If it’s viscerally or psychologically expressed, it belongs.
Now that we acknowledge it belongs, do not resist it, so it may be processed.
Chances are, there is a sensorial association with something that is resurfacing in relation to what you were experiencing at the time.
I recently had a patient who did not survive a gunshot wound. I got home that night, and a song from 2017 was playing in my head. (Ed Sheeran – Perfect. I DONT EVEN LISTEN TO THIS GUY). I initially didn’t understand why. Then I did.
Eureka Moment: This Belonged.
The place my patient was shot was identical to a patient I had in 2017 who was shot. That song was playing on my Exs playlist when I got home.
Back then, I was depleted. But I was very affected by this shooting. It left a mark on me. The heinous senseless act. I had challenges processing that patient’s passing at that time, and it brought it forth for me here. I could have pushed it away, but in reminding myself ‘ This belongs’, It allowed me to remain curious to what association may arise. Without demanding my psyche to reveal it, I made space with less resistance, but importantly, I MADE AND LEFT SPACE. That’s how the moment was processed.
So much pathology and burden is from our resistance to things, not trusting that ‘this belongs’, and for that reason people are burdened to coping which invokes sufferance. Anxiousness evolving into a diagnosis, depleting into depressive symptoms. Or splitting into other expressions that then get pathologized and potentially medicated.
It needs space and at times it needs processing! As benign a thought or feeling, it belongs. Reduce the burden of new inputs by minimizing tech, and exposure overwhelm and instead cultivating pause, space, time to process, quiet moments, moments in nature, a space to dialogue and work through what arises in you. It belongs. Trust nature. Trust your nature.
I was feeling very off & down today. Not depressed, just an involuntary preservation of energy.
As usual, I chalked much of it up to seven days straight of work, money thoughts, and relational navigations of the daily nature.
I thought about going to Bota Bota last minute, a retired boat turned hot and cold experience (one that I have dreamed of incorporating into Toronto). I still dream of it. I decided on 1940, so it would give me time to get to the hotel from the train station, eat then get there unrushed.
I got to Mechant Boeuf at 1840 and was eating an absolutely incredible beef tartare that had an egg yolk in the middle. The mix with sourdough bread was sensorial insanity.
After the meal, I walked to Bota Bota and checked in. For an hour I didn’t look at anything new media-wise to give my mind and body a space between the things, an opportunity to drop into now with less of any things still needing subconscious or unconscious processing. I’ve found that 1-2 hours of no tech input gets there.
I got into the steam, and thoughts began surfacing. Parts of me, alive. I reflected on the theory that ‘synchronicity brought me here’. It felt like a baseless statement, but rapidly a part of my inner world, past me, still alive in me came forward with a face. Mr UBD. His eyes looked at me from the memory I had of him gasping in tripod position. He was infarcting and I didn’t feel I managed him well. I remember feeling a psychosomatic shock index of freeze and disorientation that then was brought back by my responsible part. He made it, he survived, he went into cardiac arrest a week after he was catheterized, and also resuscitated. That was in May of 2023.
Yesterday, before coming to Montreal for this Advanced Airway course, on a rare quiet afternoon in the ER due to the first wet rain causing slippery roads, Mr UBD came rolling into the ER calmly on the ambulatory side. His eyes met mine and I was immediately taken back to when he was my patient in Resus Bay 1. “People trust their lives with me?” Crossed my mind that day and many since then. It crossed my mind again. I felt a visceral refusal to want to take care of him at this visit. But why? I wasn’t even sure why he was there. Well, in that steam room, I processed it further. Connecting to that part of me, he shared that he felt he let him down. He felt untrusting of our capacity to care for him or other urgent patients. I remember feeling a sense of demoralization that almost persisted since that day. But today, I could be with it. I told that part I understood, and that we didn’t let him down, that he survived, that he made it, and many others have been tenderly cared for since then.
The experience of the hot, and the cold subsequent to that was affecting my system more. I felt more sensitive and vulnerable to fluctuations. More parts of me alive now that this part was seen, heard and acknowledged, understood and most importantly witnessed. I promised him to work on strengthening that experiential muscle, which is what the conference was for tomorrow.
It all felt like a synchronicity. A coincidence that felt too connected for it to be accidental. For us to cross paths again, for me to be coming here, for me to be feeling that specific term just before the arising of that reflection and insightful inner dialogue. I was fascinated to discover that Carl Jung, the psychiatric psychotherapist and father of Jungian psychology had coined the term. But that’s for another entry.
I felt lighter. An ease and trust in myself felt rekindled. I thanked my inner world for opening up.
How to destroy the creativity inherent in a human; overburden them. Distract them. Incentivize them elsewhere.
Yes, some birth their greatest creative works in their lives as a result of that burden, distraction or diversion, but the overwhelm that they experience during the process makes the resources necessary for that creative expression severely hindered when the opportunity does arise.
And most never make it through with their creativity still intact. It gets left on the shelf of possibility, the drawer of ‘I’ll get to it later’, never returning to it.
How to reclaim creativity inherent in a human; cultivating time for the rebirth of it.
Setting up parameters for nothing to get in the way of that. Choose environments that nurture it. The human’s soul is allowed to come alive once again. And the interesting side effect, or byproduct of this is an inadvertent yet incredibly effective method of resolving the neurosis inherent in that creative neglect, clarity to the processing of that overburden & understanding of a deeper meaning to life.
Anyone who does not have a practice for keeping their creative juices alive is currently missing on the natural element of art that will wash into life exponentially. Vibrance inherently arises here. Complexity doesn’t carry the same weight as it is examined. There is a softening of the body and mind into the act of creation.
Be it writing, painting, photography, dance, gardening, play, getting a group of people together, a restful evening, design.
But also, going on journeys that challenge you, going into therapy, having difficult necessary conversations with loved ones, employers, a stranger, exercise, meditation, gratitude practices, hold and cold exposures, medicine therapy experiences, canceling work to be with your loved ones, all have a place, too.
They support creativity in the form of creating greater depth in moments.
Choose environments that nurture the birth of creativity. Minimize and address the burdens that don’t. This can have an inadvertent effect on global challenges that are robbing the sanctity of life and the capacity for others to reach into their own creativity to release charge, nurture greater togetherness, and foster a celebration of the art that is inherent in life, itself a product of creation.
In the realm of healthcare, the significance of maintaining one’s humanity while attending to patients cannot be overstated. It is often overlooked that the mere presence of a healthcare provider can profoundly impact the patient-provider interaction.
Consider the scenario where a patient is in distress, and a healthcare professional enters, conducts an examination, and departs, leaving behind a silence that begs the question: were they truly there? Did the patient perceive a human connection, or was it merely a transactional exchange of information? The absence of genuine human presence in healthcare, whether due to personal issues or professional detachment, can evoke negative emotions like resentment, frustration, and apathy in patients. While some providers may lose their humanity due to challenging life circumstances, it remains a pressing concern.
In contrast, many healthcare professionals have made it a priority to view their patients as fellow humans, transcending the labels of ‘patient’ and ‘provider.’ This approach fosters a sense of kinship, making patients feel more valued and cared for. Patients express surprise at such experiences, stating that they haven’t encountered such genuine empathy before.
This simple act of acknowledging and understanding the patient’s humanity leaves a lasting impact on their well-being. It prompts reflection on whether we are truly caring for our patients or merely fulfilling a clinical checklist.
The message is clear: healthcare providers must not forget to bring their humanity to the bedside, for it is as essential as any medical instrument, as patients deserve to feel the warmth of human connection during their most vulnerable moments. Moreover, maintaining this connection is not just beneficial for patients but also crucial for the well-being of healthcare professionals, preventing burnout and ensuring that they too receive the care and empathy they provide to others.
A time to express is difficult to come by of late.
A greater responsibility than children occupies my psyche often and much of the day; work. I think about Paul Millerd’s reevaluation of the prioritization that most of us inadvertently subscribe to; centering our lives AROUND work.
It would look something like, work at the centre, then relationships, then play, then health.
A closer inspection invites the ideal reorientation to health, then relationships, WITH play, then work.
I feel a slight psychomotor agitation in my body as I reflect on that reality; at least mine.
I had dreams, I still do, of helping others out of this. But I, myself, am found here. People, even my loved ones, get glimpses of me in between work. Im not blind to the other possibilities, but this one leads. It isn’t necessarily out that’s required, either though. It’s a shift in relating.
I think back to my sense of self that was bursting at the seams until 2 years ago. I was fortunate to have come into contact with a community of individuals that prioritized depth of connection in addition to processing the most cumbersome and buried layers of what few humans in history had the opportunity to reexamine, reevaluate, and rekindle; our personal foundations. It was a cumulative experience over a year that demanded a lot of time, and I made time for that. I HAD time for that. I had worked complimentary to the life experience that I wanted to have. Creativity was alive. I understand it is incredibly privileged and that does not go unnoticed at any point.
As I felt that life experience, I was noticing how it revitalized me in times of work, too. My health thrived, my relationships flourished, play was abundant, and work wasn’t feeling like work. I had an immense amount of intrapersonal reserves that invited presence, gratitude, committed effort, and most importantly, grace. My colleagues felt it, I felt it, the patients felt it, I’m sure the walls felt and saw it.
I had no resentment. I was utterly immersed in my life.
The book needed to be written then. Ah, what a testament that would have been. There were manuscripts envisioned, writings started, and collaborations ongoing. I felt an inevitability of sharing this, whatever it was I was experiencing, with the world. Such is the nature of a human in flow, who wants to share it WITH others. Not as a ‘see me’, but as a ‘lets’. It felt inclusive. I saw the faces of my colleagues, and I felt I could support their reinvigoration, too. Not that they needed it, but I would hear stories and see expressions that inferred displeasure, dissatisfaction, and coping. I would look back at myself; a close examination; I didn’t feel I was coping at all.
Regular journaling.
Regular nurturing human connection.
Regular rest.
Regular processing of charged experiences that would come up in life.
In addition, I was feeling ahead on my finances.
I was seeing my family.
I was playing.
I was exploring.
I was feeling like I’d cracked a code of flow.
As I write this, I notice the amount of writing in the past tense.
Because in short, what has ensued, is a slow descent into the challenges of declined alignment. A compendium of insights, perspectives, and desires for life that I know are available, but that strangely feel, at least right now, less available. I feel less available to the majesty of life. I feel the need to recuperate, reinvigorate, to pivot. I feel disenchanted with the majesty and mystery and astonishment that life offers. It frequently shows up at work, often initiated through the blunted facial expressions of my colleagues, disgruntled patients, or, and most challengingly, in the eyes of my fiancé whose body language and demeanor says ‘he’s tired or charged or withdrawn or ‘… In short, unavailable to be present and unavailable to deeply connect’. An exhausted, apathetic human becomes an indifferent observer to their own life. Qualities of powerlessness, and hopelessness may surface.
Im at the symphony and no instruments are playing. This is temporary, but it can also be progressive. The callousing is a mark of unprocessed aspects of me, with fatigued parts meeting demands that I currently place in addition to a reduction of meeting the needs of what makes a human experience graceful wholeness. There is a choice.
And so, I contemplate. A deep breath.
Does any of this ring with you? A time when you felt life flourishing and your commitment to work did not infringe on the life that you want to live? If you’ve read this far, know that I am a man in contemplation. Grateful for the experience of life, for intact faculties. For the capacity to experience the spectrum of my human experience. I smile at uncertainty, the thought of her, the thought of them, the thought of possibility, the thought of feeling, the feeling of thought, the feeling of senseful living. Cacophonic expression emerges in sporadic moments.
As my dear friend Melanie Barrett reminded me on a call ‘Allow life to breathe you in’. I’ve been holding it.
There is a sweet spot for us all. I have personally felt it.
And so, back to the game of trust. Play? Are you?
If you are open to it, leave your thoughts below.
Then, take a moment to pause, put the tech aside; reflect, contemplate, digest & integrate.
The art of cultivating habits and practices that prioritize your life outside of medicine will nurture the experience of your life in medicine. The roll of being a doctor is exactly that, a roll. It’s a part of your life, it is not all of your life. Remember, especially when you forget!
